Have you ever seen the movie Conair?

It all sounded great: 8 hour flight from Ottawa to Frankfurt, emergency exit seats, lots of room, possibly a nice nap overnight…..but not so fast. Flight 838 turns into quite a spectacle!

Things started off great. As we mentioned in our previous post, we were able to get emergency seats for the long flight, a bonus… or so we thought. Upon arriving at our seats we discovered that it was next to the kitchen and also faced a wall. Not just any wall… the wall to the washroom. Great we thought, it was only a matter of time before the pee parade got under way. Apparently the other washrooms weren’t as nice as ours since everyone seemed to be lining up beside us all night. One lady in particular seemed to have a mighty small bladder, making trips to the washroom every 45 minutes or so. We of course started to make jokes about it, comparing her to our friend Robyn (whom those of you that know her would certainly agree has a bladder the size of a pea) when we no sooner looked up to see identical twins… guess her bladder wasn’t that small after all.

Next thing to go wrong with the emergency seats- they did not recline! That’s right, an 8hr. overnight flight sitting straight up because the seats were disabled due to the other emergency seat behind us. Ok, we can deal, no biggie, there is a little extra leg room but wait, there’s more: Chelsea quickly grabbed the ‘good’ seat, the window seat which turned out to be not so good. The arm rest was sawed off and not even like one might expect it to be… the back part was missing leaving her with a little ‘hand’ rest and a big hole between her seat and window… real comfy, we stuffed it with a pillow! Then there were the two TVs, only one worked; the two overhead reading lights, only one worked. Chelsea got the reading light, Susanne got the TV…we shared as best as we could thanks to an Ipod splitter we brought for the headphones.
Now for the real excitement: As we were boarding the plane we noticed a small police presence. Odd we thought, but hey, they need to get places too, right? Well, it wasn’t long before we realized that there was a man in the middle of this little police party wearing white. Light bulb! Oh my goodness, he’s a criminal! Chels of course turns to Susanne and says “Are they transporting a prisoner? “ to which she replies, “Yes, it’s okay though, I’ve been on planes with prisoners before…” Still: we were glad he was sitting in the section ahead of us with a few rows and a bathroom as a bit of a barrier. Or we thought…. ;-)
Our little prisoner friend decides he doesn’t like his seat and much prefers the empty emergency seat DIRECTLY BEHIND US! This wasn’t the most comforting situation seeing as his police escort retreated into the Ottawa airport leaving him in the care of a few flight attendants. Not sure about you, but having a prisoner in an emergency exit seat behind you on an overnight flight made us a teensy bit nervous. And, as it turns out, he didn’t care too much for his seat either, insisting that he get up a walk around the plane for a better option. After some inconspicuous eavesdropping we discovered that our friend was in fact being deported back to Germany. He was a bit paranoid you see; he was convinced that someone on the plane was out to get him which is why he had to move around. The head flight attendant has had enough at this point, he had been very patient up until he sternly informed our friend that he was not going anywhere and should just get comfortable. Against his better judgment, our friend decides to leave his seat 3hrs. into the flight, walking calmly through the curtain, up into first class and towards the cockpit. For a little while, things seemed to be working out for him. He hadn’t been sent back to his seat and everything was under control, until… we were awakened from our semi-sitting-up-sleep by a big ruckus. Flying around the corner, inches away from us, comes the head flight attendant and two male passengers making a citizen’s arrest, carrying the prisoner by his hands and feet and pushing him to the floor. DRAMA! Flight attendant #2 follows with plastic wrist ties and restraining equipment. They tie him all up right in front of us and carry him like a sack of potatoes to the very back of the plane. All’s good, nobody was hurt. Quote flight attendant #3 who, referring to heroic male passenger 1’s plumber crack 3 inches from Susanne’s left elbow, “nice view, eh?”
To sum things up nicely for everyone, pregnant flight attendant #4 says with a grin: “I was going to work until the end of the month but… I think I’m done!” 